I hate the sound goodbye's make.I don't know where I first heard that saying. I found it in one of my old notebooks, hastily scribbled in the margins in red pen because, for whatever reason, in the moment I heard it, it felt profound.
Goodbye's are ugly.
Sure, they're beautiful too - they force you to pause and appreciate all you had and all you will miss in the leaving. But yeah...they're ugly. Like the time I realized my sister would be in Paraguay for a whole year and the world wasn't quite small enough for me to wrap my arms around it {resulting in a public mess of snot and tears}.
To everything there is a season. A time to be born and a time to die and it was with this sentiment that SelfBinding Retrospect, the sweet companion who has held my secrets for FIVE YEARS, has been put to rest.
She went gently - drifting away into some tender, euthanasic dream cycle with minimal protest - with little more than the whisper of a sigh.
This was not a mercy killing. No. It was more of a forced evolution - like a Plasticine flower being suddenly shaped into a seashell.
"I'm disappointed that you're done with SelfBinding," my husband said as he crawled into bed the other night.
"Really?" I was surprised - not that he cared...but that it mattered. "Why?"
"I liked it. I thought it was clever."
I remember the day she was born. We still lived in the little house on Queen Street and I was sitting on the covered porch {goodness, I miss that porch!} steaming coffee poised beside my laptop on our tiny bistro table, staring at the screen that demanded I name the blog I was about to start.
One of the songs I'd written as a polyester-wearing-hippie-wanna-be-teenager had the word 'self-binding' in it.
stranded paperback poetry
self-binding and everywhere in between
That term - that self-binding - it meant a million different things but of all of them, the truest was that to each of us, we are our own world; it spins for our pleasure; we are bound to every choice, every dream, every moment that holds us captive. We are all self-bound because we are all - at the core - consumed by self. And what else is a blog but an archive of our own self-awareness - our own retrospect of our self-binding awareness?
And as I boldly typed her name with that blinking cursor, she was birthed into the internet world of a billion other internet voices and for five good years she has carried my stories and cradled my words.
But I want more.
And I want it with less work.
A little over a year ago I bought my own domain name and set up a website devoted solely to my writing pursuits. Through attending various seminars and workshops, I recognized that I needed an online space to showcase my 'talents' and give a clear picture of what I could offer should my dream of actual physical publication come true.
I loved my website. It was pretty and professional and received steady traffic which made me proud and even more determined to keep on pursuing this craziness.
BUT...
Managing two completely separate online spaces was becoming an increasingly heavy load to bear. There are things I liked about it - I actually enjoy digging into the coding and manipulating things to look the way I want - I love the design element of it, crafting buttons and images to support my personal branding BUT doing this in two spaces {that are not paying me for my time} became exhausting and, when I really looked at it, utterly ridiculous.
Why was I doing this to myself?
So the decision was made: take two sites and make them one.
And, because my ultimate goal is to market myself as an author, Alanna Rusnak had to pull more weight than SelfBinding Retrospect.
Still...I feel a small nudge of grief when I think SBR will no longer carry my story forward but really, what's more me than Alanna Rusnak?
And so we move forward. We say goodbye to past titles and move on to a promising future, believing that change is positive and from it, great possibilities will be birthed.
Fair thee well, SelfBinding Retrospect - may the heaven of deceased blog titles cradle you like the sweet treasure you are.
Aw that is surprisingly sad! It will be nice to only have one but wow, how weird the name will be different.
ReplyDeleteI know! SO weird! But it will always be there in the archives :)
DeleteAs long as you keep blogging in the same style, selfbinding retrospect will live on in our hearts. And on a less cheesy note - I remember that public display of snot and tears vividly!
ReplyDeleteBahaha! Oh dear...
DeleteA bitter-sweet farewell - but onwards with fruitful pursuits!
ReplyDeleteYou got it!
DeleteAw! So sweet but sad. I liked your explanation of your blog title. It really drew me in in October, but I honestly wasn't sure what it meant. Blessings as you move forward!
ReplyDeleteAlso, where did you get the images for you book covers? Did a friend take them, are they free stock, or something else? Not stealing, I promise. I just like them so much and was wondering the source.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your sweet comments, Madeline :) The images are free stock which probably isn't ideal BUT they just seemed to fit what I wanted to do so perfectly!!! It's amazing what's available out there!
DeleteI know this was a tough decision, but you moved through it beautifully!
ReplyDeleteThank you! You get me!! I'm so appreciative of that :)
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