On Saturday I broke my mother's heart.  I didn't wake that morning with plans to annihilate her ticker.  I am not some wretched masochistic who delights in the pain of others but she kind of had it coming.  I mean, does she not know me at all?  Do not, I repeat: DO NOT trash John Travolta!!!!  She thought she was being funny.  I took it personally and retaliated with a, "well, Mother, do you even know what Mel Gibson's been up to?"

Mel Gibson is my mother's only celebrity crush.  She's blushed for him since The Patriot.  She has somehow been sheltered from his current top story disgusting situation and I had decided I would do everything in my power to see that she didn't find out and get crushed.  Until she bashed my John.  Then the gloves came off.  I threw it all at her.  Infidelity.  Baby with his girlfriend.  Racism.  Screaming rants and drunken fights.  And she was devastated.  And it was my fault.  She listened to it all and when it was over she raised her hands to the sky and wailed in an over-dramatic, my faith in the human condition is completely crushed, sort of way.

Sorry mom.  That was low.  But hey, have you heard of George Clooney...?"