I am proudly introverted. In a small, safe group I might be funny or engaging but in a large arena I will willingly fade into the background. I am a wallflower. I would much rather observe quietly from the wings than be the center of the party. I am wired differently than a charismatic, outspoken leader. I look on the world through a lacy romanticism and dwell in an introspective poetic protection that slows me down and has me dwelling on the texture of hope rather than some public fame that would have me dressed up in quick wit and leather pants.
Goals are essential. Dreams are divine. Trying to fit a round peg into a square hole is excruciating. The fastest way to kill your spirit is to pursue something that just doesn't exist within yourself.
I do believe you can teach an old dog new tricks. I don't believe you can turn a Cocker Spaniel into a Border Collie.
The last few weeks have been a time of deep reflection for me. Of self-searching and rediscovery and making choices that, though painful in the moment, have freed me to be exactly who I was made to be.
For years, I have been heavily involved in the worship ministry of our church - happily involved because I love music and have a heart for it - but never quite fully delivering because I could not be the leader I was asked to be. It wasn't in me to speak an anointed Word over the congregation or to charismatically lead 300 people to some emotionally heightened precipice where they might meet God. I led worship like I lead my life - quietly - independently - responsible only for my own personal experience. If others followed along behind my quiet leadership and met Jesus in a moment of lyric or chord progression - wonderful! If not, you wouldn't find me raising my hands from the platform in some plastic call to 'lay aside the burdens of your week and come into the holy presence of God' because that is not the person I was made to be.
I am not a preacher - I am a musician.
And that's okay.
Finally realizing and accepting this has allowed me to breathe again. It has shown me that for years I have been holding my breath and existing on this plain that has had me anxious and pretending and that is no place to be.
I need to be free to be me.
I had a lot of fear as I drafted my resignation letter. Fear for the future of the ministry. Fear that I was letting people down. Fear that I was letting myself down. But as I finished and read it back to myself I felt an incredible peace and knew - without a doubt - that I was making the right decision.
It's hard to admit defeat. Because defeat feels like failure and failure feels like ending. But, in stepping out of your own way, you might just find yourself reintroduced to the self you left behind in your arrogant pursuit of the impossible.
And that's a freedom unlike anything else.
And it's very much like coming home.
So, how can you become strong in your weakness?
1. Everyone is good at something and it's okay to admit the things you struggle with.
I am good at leading a team - at creating camaraderie, at encouraging, at pushing people musically, at pulling together an engaging set of songs and including everyone in the creation of something beautiful. I am not good at leading a congregation, at being a charismatic front person, at speaking into the lives of people with anything but direct scripture...these are the things that were wanting in my leadership and these are the things I was unable to give because they aren't in keeping with who I am and where my strength lies.
2. Ask yourself if you are happy. Who are you trying to please?
Forcing myself into a position that wasn't suited to my personality was destructive - not in an obvious way but in a slow corrosive manner that eroded my spirit - I lost sleep, my love for music was replaced by a need to please which ultimately affected my song choices and creative liberties, I was not myself. There were pieces that made me happy - those beautiful moments with my band-mates when we'd arrive at the perfect arrangement that seemed to open up the heavens - but those were always outweighed by the pressure of charisma and {for lack of a better term} 'star power'.
3. Listen for still, small voices and big, loud proclamations.
When you get out of your own way, it's amazing how many people and things might speak into the exact situation you're wrestling through. As I pondered this particular choice a co-worker, knowing nothing of what I was working through in my head and heart, caught me by the lunchroom door and put her hand on my shoulder. "Be true to who you are," she said. "I just needed to tell you that for some reason." I had just gone to refill my mug with water but in that moment, she spoke into my life in a way she'll probably never truly understand. I am a people-pleaser at heart. I hate to let anyone down. Had I not taken the time to listen to the nudging of those {not so} still, small voices, perhaps I would still be in a position which - for me - was really a lie.
4. To thine own self be true.
We are all made with a purpose, with different gifts and abilities. How boring life would be if everyone was good at everything. I may not hold the position of Worship Leader anymore but you can be very sure that I'll still be up on that platform come Sunday morning, playing my guitar or letting my fingers dance along the piano because that is where my heart is at and that is what brings me great joy. I don't feel anointed with spoken words, I feel anointed with a gift of music and a heart for worship.
5. Let it go.
Holding on to something that isn't feeding your truth means you're holding back something that will. By letting go of the thing that is hindering your own contentment the door is swung wide open to new possibilities - to joys and peace and good old fashioned happiness. Letting go is hard. Fear of the unknown can be crippling but if you can step beyond it, the possibilities could be endless!
The world is your oyster -
if you stop farming snails
you just might start collecting pearls!
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